Somewhere between grr and apathy

 Aggravations  No Responses »
Jun 192012
 

My mother and I have different values on what I should do with my time, although not as different as she seems to think.

I like to play on the internet a lot, yes, but I do actually get bored and want to go do other things. It’s just that when she’s annoyed, she claims that I don’t do anything other than play on the internet.

Now at the time this is kind of true, I’ll allow that, but I have stood up to take the initiative on some things now. For the most part, I’ve started waking up and getting up early enough to shower and get myself prepared for the day before I’m leaving on a walk. I have stopped the dog accidents again. I have discovered a looping walk that I like, that’s also long enough to wear out the dogs without wearing out me. I learned that my voice is well developed enough that I can hit a high b-flat note on key, if I warm my voice up suitably throughout the day.

I just don’t like doing the algebra. I wish I didn’t have to. I understand how to use it enough to get me through life already, so I don’t feel like I need the assistance of the book any longer. Of course, this is not an option, so I simply resist in the only way I can: petty silences, being annoyed, and putting it off.

I like reading, I like studying science and history, and I like learning new things. I don’t like having my education decided on the merits of an assumption that I will want to go on to do something big or powerful with my life.

I don’t want to be big in this world. I just want to be happy. And even if happiness means working a job that isn’t glamorous, and sometimes seems worse than it is, and living in an apartment where I don’t always have the time to do the things I enjoy even if I schedule time for them, and going out with my friends sometimes, and having kitties to cuddle in my lonely bed, that’s my life. That’s my choice.

And I don’t think that I need a thousand brilliant ideas and dreams from someone else to get there.

Also I apologize for any wayward spelling errors. Whereas the last computer I used had British English spellchecker enabled on Firefox, this one has none.

 Posted by at 3:34 pm

It’s like seeing the sun, but still being in the shadows

 Fallen feathers  No Responses »
Jun 132012
 

I haven’t been keeping up with my homework, or my housework, or my blogging, or much of anything recently.

Often this turns out to destroy my relationships with my family, since they will scream at me for not doing anything, and I’ll yell right back and everyone walks away with hurt feelings because I screw up with people so much.

But even though I don’t like doing the homework, and I don’t find appreciation in doing the housework, and blogging is very often dull, I need to do them.

Or else I run into days like today.

Today, I was actually having a decent day, working with my brother to make sure he did his studying, and learning, and didn’t just use my brain so he didn’t have to work his, and I was taking good care of the dogs, and being a generally cheerful person.

And then I started crying. Not just little tears, the kind easily suppressed, but great gasping sobs that went on and on and I couldn’t stop.

It was miserable. I was miserable, and I wasn’t able to find the sunlight, even though I could see it.

When I’m in that state, anything can seem reasonable as long as it takes the hurt away, whether it’s hugs or a blade. I hate that side of me, so much.

I’m coming out of the darkness now, but I can still feel the pain, the rawness of it. And I know that something needs to change or else I’ll break and never heal.

I could listen to this song a thousand times and never grow tired of it. It, along with Andromeda, pulled me back out.

 Posted by at 9:27 pm

Slightly slacky

 Aggravations, Homeschooling  No Responses »
Jun 042012
 

I’ve only done half of my math chapter for the day, and don’t really feel up to doing any more.

I also feel pretty justified in stopping, considering that my head is swimming and I’ve thrown up twice today.

Wish I hadn’t though.

 Posted by at 8:53 pm

Pythagorean Theorum

 Homeschooling  No Responses »
Jun 022012
 

After several tries with struggling with the explanation, and one heavy helping talk from my mother, I have completed the chapter in Algebra of Pythagorean Theorum!!!

There’s still a lot of the book left to go, but I will survive. I have plans to carry out, and being incapable of doing algebra is not allowed in the future of these plans.

 Posted by at 8:24 pm

I dream

 Poetry  No Responses »
Jun 022012
 

A poem I wrote about ten months ago- and forgotten I did. It’s definitely not my best piece of work, but I’m pretty proud of it, for some of the themes that I’ve learned to use more solidly since then.

On those confusing nights
In the wellspring of darkness
I dream

Of

The wind, gentle, omnipotent
Silent and cool as it slides through a
petrified world

the clouds, purple in the streetlights
hovering like unspoken words

The moon, reflected in a bowl at the base
Shivering, humming, no closer than the
lunar discus up above

the stars, falling tears in a band of white
all the regrets and fears
Resentments I refuse to cry over any more

Wouldn’t it be wonderful?
To hold your hand and not be scared of the
Truths we can’t admit to ourselves
All I want is to go back to your city,
your house,
your arms

All these bitter thoughts
Welling up when the candles go out
And the moon slips away
On those confusing nights
in the wellspring of darkness
I dream

in

Pearlescence, sometimes silver, sometimes not
reflection off of every goddamn surface like
a hall of mirrors

Lavender and indigo, mourning, anger. I forgive
you for all of the things I can’t forgive myself for

Pale blue, like the water in pools, the one color
I accept of my own. Still and blameless, an unending, unchanging sky

Soft blond and faded green, I welcome your eyes
Burning away all my unacknowledged pain

Wasn’t it wonderful?
Walking on the shore, your hand in mine
Spilling secrets to each other and the night
I woke up that night, I found the half I’d lost
and didn’t know I was missing

So I dream of you
feeling as shredded as I
feeling the gaps in the weaving of the day
I miss you
I won’t love another the way I do you
So in all the lonely nights
I dream, and yearn for you

I fell in love that night
You called my sleeping heart awake
Now it beats for you
I’ll come back to your city, your home,
your heart,
your arms.

And catharsis lurks in the rhythm of your words
Stemming the bleeding, dulling the pain
Tearing the scars open when parting came
Your face rings clearly in my dreams
I’m not broken there
On all the lonely nights
Wrapped in the wellspring of darkness
I dream, of you

I love you.

 Posted by at 7:57 pm

Finding pretty voices

 Fallen feathers  No Responses »
Jun 012012
 

To celebrate having fresh hearing aid batteries, I have been looking for and listening to pretty soprano voices all afternoon.

This one is one of my favorites.

 Posted by at 10:19 pm

It’s like walking in a cloud

 Uncategorized  No Responses »
Jun 012012
 

I’ve been severely hard of hearing for most of my life, and mildly disabled by it for all of my life. I’m not very good with sign language, but I use hearing aids, and for the most part, I am able to function in this world pretty well.

But one of them isn’t working properly. There are a few reasons for this. One of them is that it’s simply too old to run properly, I’ve had it since I was eight. Back then, hearing aids were supposed to be replaced every three to five years, now it’s mostly hovering around five years for the average for behind the ear. Another reason is that I did not always take the best care of them. My mother can attest to the amount of times that she told me I was being stupid about not putting them away and that I was going to ruin them by doing so.

This is one of the areas in which I have massively grown in the last year, I am now taking the best care I can of my remaining working hearing aid, with a powerful demoisturizer, and cleaning out the inner tube and the earmold every other day. There are better tools that I used to have that I could have used to take better care, but in the foolishness and entitled-self I had as a child, I managed to forget how to use them and had one of them broken by my brother.

Right now, I have a bit of a sore in my ear. I scratched up the skin at some point and, having an aid in that ear all day doesn’t allow the cut to heal. So I’ve taken it out, because the pain isn’t very enjoyable.

And now I am back to my state of deafness that I have whenever I am in bed, or have just gotten out of the shower.

And it feels like I’m walking in a cloud that’s shut everything out.

It’s terrifying.

 Posted by at 1:58 am

A goal for the next years, and starting this summer

 Fallen feathers  No Responses »
Jun 012012
 

To actually get to the point where I’ve lost the forty extra pounds I’m running around with and can look like a healthy adult.

This will not be just weight loss though. It will also be muscle gain, energy gain, and better care for my body.

I’m posting this up here so I can’t say I never wrote anything to the public about it, I will have to follow through.

One of the first things I’m starting with, right now, is good posture. I have now been sitting, in a desk chair, with my back held up straight, for a good twenty minutes.

It’s stopped being uncomfortable now, now it’s just a matter of remembering I’m doing it.

Proper posture leads to more energy, and so does sunlight.

 Posted by at 1:20 am

Learning

 Fallen feathers  No Responses »
Jun 012012
 

I’m still very bad at following through on the things I said I was going to do.

The only person who’s fault it is, is me.

I’m looking up dog care tips, so that I can be more effective at training the dogs to behave how I want them to, and look up college courses for the college I want to apply to.

I will write out another list, of the things I need to do tomorrow, and not allow myself on this computer until they are done, unless the tasks can only be done from the computer.

I will not complain, I will not attempt to shift blame. I will not slack. I will hold my head high and my back proud.

Being eighteen means I’m expected to fully take charge of my life. It’s time I did.

 Posted by at 1:07 am
© 2012 The Sound of Her Wings Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha